flashback friday

Flashback Friday Button

Finally getting back around to blogging…

After reading that t0day is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day I thought it was only fitting that I flashback to December 2007 & share the only photo I have of my sweet baby.

I found out that I was pregnant on November 8, 2007 & both Nate & I were shocked & excited! On December 7 we went in for our first ultrasound. We didn’t know what to expect, but couldn’t wait to see our little baby! According to my cycle I should’ve been about 8 weeks along, but after checking on the baby it was determined that I was only 6 weeks along. The midwife had trouble finding a heartbeat (sometimes normal for 6 weeks) & saw some other abnormality that caused her to be alarmed. She let us know that we might possibly be miscarrying & ordered us a more detailed ultrasound. It would’ve been sweet to be able to get that ultrasound immediately, but of course it was Friday afternoon at the end of the day & we had to wait all the way until Monday in order to find out if our baby was okay. I was crushed. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to be strong for my baby. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I tried to rejoice always, knowing that God knew my baby. He formed him or her in the womb & was completely in control of every single thing that was going on. It was a difficult weekend, but with the prayers & support of our awesome family & friends we made it through. On Monday, December 10 after a second ultrasound it was determined that everything looked great! Thank you Lord! We were so excited!

In the following couple of weeks my nausea started to set it & I was beyond thankful for it because that meant that my hormones were flowing & my pregnancy was going well. My pants even started not to fit! I had a great few weeks completely enjoying being pregnant.

On December 30 everything changed when I started spotting. I knew immediately that everything was not okay. I had this feeling deep within me that this was not “normal”. I was taken back to that day just a few weeks before when the midwife thought something was wrong. I was devastated & spent most of the night that I can remember crying and praying with Nate. The next day, New Years Eve, the spotting continued & we went to the ER with some great friends by our side to see if  I could get an ultrasound to determine if everything was okay. Unfortunately it was New Years Eve &  I was told that I would be spending most of the night in the ER if I wanted an ultrasound because everyone that was there took priority over me. Nothing could be done for me if I was miscarrying so I wasn’t on the top of the list. We ended up leaving & spending the night with close friends trying to be joyful & thankful for the blessings that God had given us & surrendering our baby to Him, because he or she was always His to begin with.

I had a doctor appointment already scheduled for Friday, January 4 so I took it easy that week, didn’t do much walking or standing, but the spotting continued intermittently. Friday finally came & I could not wait to see my midwife. I knew. I knew my baby was dying. I went in ready to hear the news. I wasn’t trying to be negative or unhopeful, I just knew.  It was confirmed that since the baby had not grown in size since my 6 week ultrasound & there was no heartbeat, that I indeed had miscarried. Even though I knew it was coming I didn’t want to hear it. I can’t even begin to describe how much that moment hurt.

I remember my baby regularly. I think of how old he or she would have been & how different my life would be now. It was hard to get through & some days I didn’t see how it was going to get better. I thought I would always be sad. I thought I would always start crying at the slightest thing. I thought it would always be difficult to be around people with kids. Thankfully, I was wrong. Everyday God made me stronger & the more I relied on Him for that strength the more healing I received. James 5:3  says “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…” While I still miss my baby, I am thankful for the hope that God provides. I am hopeful that one day I will see my baby again & he or she will know me & we will be together in Heaven.

On this day, please remember & pray for all those mamas (& papas) that have lost a baby.

Flashback Friday

Flashback Friday Button

It’s time for Flashback Friday! This week as I was looking through pictures I ran across the photos we took on our 7 day cruise in September of 2008 to Mexico when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. It really doesn’t feel like it was that long ago! We had such a nice relaxing week & even though I was pregnant & couldn’t do many activities we still enjoyed ourselves. It was the first cruise for both of us & was a late anniversary/we-finally-get-to-go-on-the-honeymoon-I-wanted gift (we went to Hawaii & I wanted to go to Mexico, haha).

I can’t wait to one day go back! I miss the heat, I miss the scenery, I miss the beaches & the warm water. Maybe one day…

and then there were two.

two lines that is.

yes, that’s right. the next baby boland is due just before the end of the year on december 30! we just found out last wednesday & it’s still super early (i’m only in my 5th week), but i’m already feeling the effects. the morning sickness (all day sickness in my case) has started to creep it’s ugly head in.

please keep us in your prayers! we had a miscarriage in january & that is making me a bit anxious. i know god has everything in control, though & i am taking comfort in that.

pretty stoked that i can actually cross #10 off of my “27 To Do List“. 🙂