flashback friday

Flashback Friday Button

Finally getting back around to blogging…

After reading that t0day is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance day I thought it was only fitting that I flashback to December 2007 & share the only photo I have of my sweet baby.

I found out that I was pregnant on November 8, 2007 & both Nate & I were shocked & excited! On December 7 we went in for our first ultrasound. We didn’t know what to expect, but couldn’t wait to see our little baby! According to my cycle I should’ve been about 8 weeks along, but after checking on the baby it was determined that I was only 6 weeks along. The midwife had trouble finding a heartbeat (sometimes normal for 6 weeks) & saw some other abnormality that caused her to be alarmed. She let us know that we might possibly be miscarrying & ordered us a more detailed ultrasound. It would’ve been sweet to be able to get that ultrasound immediately, but of course it was Friday afternoon at the end of the day & we had to wait all the way until Monday in order to find out if our baby was okay. I was crushed. I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to be strong for my baby. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” I tried to rejoice always, knowing that God knew my baby. He formed him or her in the womb & was completely in control of every single thing that was going on. It was a difficult weekend, but with the prayers & support of our awesome family & friends we made it through. On Monday, December 10 after a second ultrasound it was determined that everything looked great! Thank you Lord! We were so excited!

In the following couple of weeks my nausea started to set it & I was beyond thankful for it because that meant that my hormones were flowing & my pregnancy was going well. My pants even started not to fit! I had a great few weeks completely enjoying being pregnant.

On December 30 everything changed when I started spotting. I knew immediately that everything was not okay. I had this feeling deep within me that this was not “normal”. I was taken back to that day just a few weeks before when the midwife thought something was wrong. I was devastated & spent most of the night that I can remember crying and praying with Nate. The next day, New Years Eve, the spotting continued & we went to the ER with some great friends by our side to see if  I could get an ultrasound to determine if everything was okay. Unfortunately it was New Years Eve &  I was told that I would be spending most of the night in the ER if I wanted an ultrasound because everyone that was there took priority over me. Nothing could be done for me if I was miscarrying so I wasn’t on the top of the list. We ended up leaving & spending the night with close friends trying to be joyful & thankful for the blessings that God had given us & surrendering our baby to Him, because he or she was always His to begin with.

I had a doctor appointment already scheduled for Friday, January 4 so I took it easy that week, didn’t do much walking or standing, but the spotting continued intermittently. Friday finally came & I could not wait to see my midwife. I knew. I knew my baby was dying. I went in ready to hear the news. I wasn’t trying to be negative or unhopeful, I just knew.  It was confirmed that since the baby had not grown in size since my 6 week ultrasound & there was no heartbeat, that I indeed had miscarried. Even though I knew it was coming I didn’t want to hear it. I can’t even begin to describe how much that moment hurt.

I remember my baby regularly. I think of how old he or she would have been & how different my life would be now. It was hard to get through & some days I didn’t see how it was going to get better. I thought I would always be sad. I thought I would always start crying at the slightest thing. I thought it would always be difficult to be around people with kids. Thankfully, I was wrong. Everyday God made me stronger & the more I relied on Him for that strength the more healing I received. James 5:3  says “More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…” While I still miss my baby, I am thankful for the hope that God provides. I am hopeful that one day I will see my baby again & he or she will know me & we will be together in Heaven.

On this day, please remember & pray for all those mamas (& papas) that have lost a baby.